It was a bright and sunny day. Xerxes the diligent farmer awoke from a lovely night's slumber to the chirping of the little birds outside of his door. His faithful hound, Figaro barked once and licked his master's face.

"Moses smell the roses, Figaro. Where's the fire?"
 
The dog barked again and made a triumphant puddle on the floor.

"That's it, from now on, you sleep in the greenhouse," said Xerxes as he picked the pooch up and took him outside. Then, he shuffled back into his house, ate breakfast, and took a shower. "hey, its Maria's birthday today! Better get that cake out of the freezer that I put in there last spring."

The current season was winter.

Xerxes, with no chores to do, walked out of the gate of the prosperous Xerxes Farm only to be stopped in his tracks by the extremely odd town mailman.

"Lovely weather we are having today, eh Xerxes?"

"Um, its freezing."

"Isn't it though! Lovely!"

"You are strange, nerve-dead, and very frightening. Please, do yourself a favor and find something else to talk about besides the weather, okay?"

"Okay, lets both try and do our best!"

"Stop saying that!"

"Well, bye bye Xerxes. Have a great day!"

"Get help, mailman." Xerxes tipped his hat (which was hard since he only wears it backward) and walked on his way, the remarkably not frozen cake neatly tucked away in his rucksack. His mind was abuzz with all sorts of pleasant thoughts of his lovely lady, Maria. "That little heart that appears when she talks to me, its GREEN now! That means FLIRTATIOUS! Woo-hoo!" he thought.

Xerxes was feeling great, and he began to whistle a little tune: da dum-dum, daaa da dum-dum, daaa dum (it was the song of winter that so annoyingly stuck in his head since it played from six am to six pm every day).
All seemed well as he knocked on the library door, but little to Xerxes's knowledge, things were about to go horribly, horribly awry...

STAY TUNED for the next installment! Appearing whenever I get a letter from someone who cares! What will happen to Xerxes? Will Maria be happy to see him? Will the mailman stop talking about the weather? Will Figaro find mischief, even in the greenhouse? Who knows!

When we last left Xerxes, he was bringing the remarkably unfrozen cake to his lovely lady, Maria:
 

Xerxes came to the door of the Flower Bud Library, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

"Please come in," said a voice full of girlish shyness. Xerxes opened the door, pulled out the remarkably unfrozen cake, and walked into the building. The distinct smell of musty old books filled his nostrils along with the sweet fragrance of a girl's perfume.

"I brought you a cake, Maria," he said as he handed Maria the baked good. "It is remarkably unfrozen, even though its been in the freezer for three quarters of the year." Crap! He messed up! Xerxes knew from the moment that sentence left his lips, he had made a mistake. He winced a little as he waited for Maria's reply.

"Mmm," she said, taking a bite, "it is good. Thank you!"

Excelsior! The little heart that appeared when she talked was still green! FLIRTATIOUS!

"Oh, you don't mind how old it is?"

"No, it is remarkably-"

"Unfrozen, right," said Xerxes, completing the sentence.

"Yes!"

"And I have something else to tell you, Maria."

"What is it, Xerxes?"

"I am Batman," said Xerxes, his eyes moving towards the floor.

"Um."

"Oh wait, no! I meant to say happy birthday!"

"Awww... that's really sweet, Xerxes," blushed Maria. "But, well... are you really Batman?"

"No, Batman is a fictitious character that has no place in the real world except to entertain and have terrible actors portray him in movies."

Maria looked confused, "Really? Then who is that man who comes to my window dressed up in a black costume at night and leaves poems when he thinks I don't notice him?"

"Wow, I don't know. But if I ever find out, I'll beat the snot out of him," Xerxes said, followed by a rage-induced tapestry of obscenity.

"Oh well, I thought it was kind of-" she hesitated, "sexy."

"What!? Some pervert dresses up like a super hero, hides outside your bedroom window hoping to see you undress, leaves you poems, and you think its sexy?"
 
"Well, all but they trying to see me undressed part," said Maria, almost to herself, "that is really creepy, actually. And the poems are really crappy and rude. Come to think of it, its not sexy at all."

"You know when he's out there, right? You don't actually let him see you in your unmentionables, right?" the farmer was in a stupor.

"Well of course, he may be in all black, but he can't hide that stupid hat of his."

"Hat? What does it look like?"

"Its blue with a yellow square and three black letters in that yellow square."

"Um."

"Its Ann's brother, Sherlock. Geeze, plot development is impossible with you."

"Hey, give me a break, I'm doing my best. And aren't you supposed to be the shy, timid one?"
 
"Oh, um... I love books?"

"Wait a second, you're not Maria! You are an impostor! You're-"
       

All of this to be continued in the next installment! Who is the impostor? Why would Ann's brother dress up as Batman? Will Figaro ever find his way out of the greenhouse? The answer to all these questions and more coming soon!

Hooray for me!

When we last left our hero, Xerxes the Diligent Farmer, he had discovered the Maria he sent the remarkably unfrozen cake to was actually an Impostor. But who would be disguised as Maria, and for what goal? Why was Ann's brother accused of being a peeping tom? Here we go:

"You're not Maria!" yelled Xerxes defiantly. "Popuri, what are you doing this for!? What did you do with Maria!?"

Popuri looked befuddled and worried, "How did you know it was me? How did you know!?"

"Well, your plan worked well until I remembered that Maria doesn't have pink hair. That's where you little scheme fell apart."

"Oh, Xerxes," she sobbed, "I only did it because I love you!"

"Um."

"No, really! I have had a crush on you since you took over the farm. I always wanted to say hi, but you never talked to me," more sobbing, "you never even looked at me!"

"Well, you have my attention now. Why did you lie and dress up as Maria?"

"You promise you won't hate me if I tell you?" she said with a little hope between the tears.

"No, but I promise not to beat you within an inch of your life," Xerxes beamed, obviously impressed with his next insight of morality. "I won't hit a woman. Besides, Karen had to promise she'd hit any girl I asked her to after I drank her under the table last New Year."

"I don't mean ruin my cute, innocent little image here, but you are a pretty sad excuse for a guy if that's all you asked her for. I mean, come on, you didn't even ask for a kiss!"
 
Xerxes thought for a minute, figured out what Popuri was implying, uttered a prompt "D'oh!" and hit himself on the forehead. "Nevermind that! I only asked what I did out of devotion for Maria." It wasn't true. He didn't ask for any favors of that nature because he was drunk as a hooty owl and they both knew it.

Popuri started sobbing again, "Oh, but Xerxes, I don't care if you aren't faithful to me all the time, I just want your love!"

"Ugh. Just tell me why you dressed up like Maria. I have to go mine today."

"Oh, alright," reluctantly, "I was hoping that by dressing up like Maria, I could make you think that she was cheating on you with Ann's brother. Ann's brother really does go out at night and look into my window," again, the tears, "I just- I just thought I could kill two birds with one stone if I could get you to ditch Maria and gank Ann's brother."

"Oh, I see. This town is just yours to manipulate, huh. You can just play everyone for fools, eh? Well let me tell you a thing or two about life, sister," Xerxes roared. "Next time you try to impersonate a bug-loving cabbage-eater librarian, attract the fancy of an adorable heir to the Xerxes Ranch, and kill off a perverted farm hand that dresses up as Batman, you had just better get your hands on a black wig ... and like books ... or something."

"But- but-" bursts into uncontrollable bawling, "I just want you to like me!"

Xerxes, not one to neglect a young woman's tears promptly kisses her on the cheek, puts her head on his shoulder for a few seconds, and pats her on the back. He then nabs the remarkably unfrozen cake (now with a bite out of it), puts it in his rucksack again, and drags Popuri to the bar, where Karen is sitting on the front porch. "Karen, I need you to give Popuri here a good seeing to. Please, spare no force."

"With pleasure," said Karen, cracking her knuckles. "I have been waiting to stain the sidewalk with her smiley smarminess for years."

Popuri let out a small cry for help, and then Karen was upon her. Xerxes, a peaceful farmer at heart, couldn't bare to watch. He left for the flower shop down the street. He had to find Maria now.

The flower shop, always nicely decorated, was empty. Not a soul in the place. The door to Popuri's room was even unlocked. Xerxes, not one to disturb a woman's privacy, was about to leave it alone, and then thought better and opened the door. The room was in neat order, with plants hanging from every nook and cranny. Xerxes, being ever the gentleman, took the liberty of rummaging through all of her stuff like a rabid orangutan. He went through the closet, the junk drawer, the underwear drawer, the winter sweater drawer, the underwear drawer again, and then the sock drawer. When he opened the sock drawer, he saw a diary that had been hastily buried under a pile of tube socks. "This is too good to pass up," he thought as he opened it. There were several entries inside. Mostly, they were about her love for flowers, plants, Xerxes himself, and then there were a few about her hatred of Ann's brother, her fear of Karen, her plans to abduct Maria and lock her in the greenhouse, a little drawing of her and Xerxes in wedding attire, and- "Wait a second!" thought Xerxes, "the greenhouse! I must rescue her!"

And with that, he slammed the diary shut, got up, took one last peak in the underwear drawer (with only a gentleman's curiosity, of course) and ran out to the greenhouse with his ax in hand.
 

What will happen when Xerxes find the real Maria? Will she be alright? Will she like the cake? Will she realize that Xerxes is not the perfectly faithful gent she thinks he is? What about Popuri and Karen? Will the pink-haired one live through the day? And will Figaro ever dig his way out of the greenhouse? Guess what, you can find out just as easily as clicking the link to the upcoming ... ON THIS HARVEST MOON: PART THE FOURTH!

When we last left our hero (Xerxes, The Diligent Farmer), he had just exposed Popuri as the impostor Maria. By going through all of Popuri's private belongings, he ran across the plans to lock Maria in the greenhouse. He immediately rushed to the building with ax in hand, ready to bust the door down. This is it, kids:

CRASH! The ax came ripping through the glass door with all the grace of a rhino in a nitro glycerin plant. An inhabitant let loose a muffled yell.

"YAAAA!"

"G'ho! I have come to save you, my dear!" exclaimed our hero triumphantly. Steam from the tropical interior of the building poured out into the winter air. Xerxes walked in through the hole, his feet crunching on the broken glass. The room was full of plants hanging off of everything imaginable. The air smelled of thick vegetation. A smell that ate like a meal when inhaled, and filled the now hungry belly of Our Diligent Farmer with the aftertaste of vegetable soup.

Maria was in there, but Xerxes could not find her.

"Helloooo, Maaariiiaaa," he called.

"Gmmph, gmmmph!" was the response from a nearby corner. Xerxes peeked through the ferns to find a bound and gagged Maria stuffed into an oversized flower pot. He undid the handkerchief that was gagging his darling as quickly as his fingers could manage. "Whew! Xerxes, I am happy you came to save me! I thought that I would just be left in here to rot. What happened?

"I'll answer that later. First, let me get these ropes off of you." He took out his massive scythe (the only thing close enough to a knife in his rucksack) and swiped off the ropes with expert accuracy -- well, if you pretend that he knew Maria would move out of the way and scream, giving his blade just enough clearance to miss her spine, he could be an expert.

Panting, "What in the name of the Harvest Goddess were you trying to-"

Xerxes, being the regular Don Juan he was, swept the girl up into his arms and kissed her.

Still panting, "um, well," now totally breathless, "oh, I don't care! I love you, Xerxes!"

Her heart was now yellow! She was DEEPLY AFFECTIONATE! Progress for our hero!

"Um," a long flash of all the other girls Xerxes had toyed with raced through his head. Was this the one, or just another plaything for the his womanizing self? "I love you too, Maria."

Again, they kissed, but their lips did not seperate.

~

From atop the hill outside the village, a mysterious figure watched in disgust.

"Ugh! I can't stand to watch anymore. Look at him, he's all over her like a cheap mu-mu. Doesn't she see what kind of a heartless, womanizing buffoon he is?" The mysterious figure looked on, regardless of its disdain for Our Diligent Farmer. "Oh well, he will be gone soon. As soon as they release each other from their passionate embrace, it will be curtains for Xerxes, and Maria will be mine! Bwa-ha-ha!"

Time passed.

"Oh come on, knock it off. I know you two have been apart for a whole 24 hours, but honestly! No need to make out for forever and a day."

More time passed.

"Grrr!!! Even when I do have Maria after this, I'll have to check her for mono or cold sores or- oh wait! They are finally done! That's it, Xerxes, that's it. Just back away," he reached for the plunger, and put a tight grasp on the handle, preparing to push it down. He did it slowly, for his own amusement.

Closer.
 
Closer still.

Almost.

There, connected! "A matter of seconds and he will be dest- no!!!"

~

"Well, you know, I get a lot of that strength from the hard work at the farm," boasted Xerxes to his captive audience of one. "However, don't think some of it isn't hereditary."

Just then, a figure charged in through the hole in the glass wall. It was Elli! "Out of the way!!!" She pushed Maria under a table and nabbed Xerxes's rucksack in one fluid motion. With all the athleticism of a professional running back, she charged on out the other side of the building, finally hurling the rucksack out into the street, falling onto the ground, and plugging her ears to block out the deafening explosion.
 

When we last left our hero, Xerxes, The Diligent Farmer, he had just rescued Maria, made out with her for a half an hour, and then had a narrow escape from a fiery death in a mighty feat of derring do. Well, actually, Elli saved him. But who wants to destroy Xerxes and have Maria to himself? Find out in the long awaited (by Harvestgal64, Moonshadower, and Kai, at least) ... On This Harvest Moon: Part the Fifth!
 

"Sweet smokin' crap on a stick,!" shouted Xerxes, half in surprise, half in relief. "What, in the name of the Harvest Goddess, was that?"

"I don't know," said Maria, moving toward the crumpled body of Elli. "Oh my gosh, do you think Elli is okay?"

Xerxes was lost in thought about how foxy the Harvest Goddess was.

"Xerxes!"

"Huh? Oh, uh- she's looking fine," he said, picking up what was left of his rucksack.

"She's bleeding from the head!"

Our Hero thought fast, "I meant fine in spirit. Um, yeah." To him, she looked fine any way around it. Mighty fine. "D'oh!" he thought, "gotta stop thinking about stuff like that, gotta commit! Maria is the girl for me."

"Oh wait," said Maria, "she's still breathing. You had better take her to her room so she can recover. Then, we'll go up into the mountain and catch crickets to bring her for good luck. I go out hunting for them every day and know just the place to look."

"My life is over," thought Xerxes. "Okay, I'll meet you up at the mountain top." He picked up Elli and draped her over his shoulder, carrying her to her room as Maria went off to her own room to bust out the cricket cages. He shouted after her, as an afterthought, "Oh, and happy birthday, Maria!"

Her voice was already disappearing around the corner with her, "Thank you so much! You are the sweetest ever, Xerxes!"

"Umm...uhh...can't...feel...legs," muttered Elli, who was now regaining consciousness. "Glad...you're...alright...Xerxes."

"You just take it easy, Elli. You saved my life, and now I'm going to save yours. You are going home and I am calling that old geezer in the medicine hut."

"Uhh...thanks...err," Elli lapsed into the world of the comatose again. The gash in her forehead was leaving a crimson band on Our Hero's overalls. He that that he had better get a few cakes out of this deal. He came to the bakery and opened the door. No one was there but the grandmother, who couldn't see worth a hootin' heck.

"Is that you Elli?" she said, rocking back and forth in the fragrant smelling room.

"No, it's Xerxes. Elli is close to dying and I am going to nurse her back to health."

"Oh, well, don't forget your chores, Elli. And don't you dare sneak out the window tonight to see that Kai boy again! I'm tired of hearing those kissing noises from the garden at night."

"I won't grandma," muttered Xerxes. "And, I'll also pretend like I didn't hear that," he said under his breath. He opened the door to Elli's room and walked inside, setting her mumbling body on the bed. He looked around the room with disgust -- it was plastered with pictures of Kai. Pictures of Kai working. Kai fishing. Kai arm wrestling. Kai doing a handstand. Kai kissing Elli. Kai with his shirt off and a strategically placed purple bandana. "Um, better ignore that."

Just then, Elli started to hyperventilate violently, heaving and gasping, coughing up blood all over the bedspread. "Great jumpin' Jehosephat!" thought the Diligent Farmer, "I've got to do something, she needs medicine now!" He looked around frantically. None to be found! Elli clutched his arm and torso with both of her hands, coughing up more blood on his overalls. "Mother of Pearl! Think! Think!" Then, it came to him. He reached into his battle-ravaged rucksack and pulled out some cow medicine. "It isn't the best, but it will stop the heaving." He held Elli down to the bed and forced open her mouth, pouring the thick, blue liquid in. He then rubbed her throat smoothly so that she would swallow it. She calmed down rather fast. Xerxes remembered Ann's dad telling him that the cow medicine was about 155 proof.

Elli hiccuped, "Xerxes?" gasping for air again, and then calming down, "Xerxes? What- what happened?"

"I saved your life and you owe me," he thought for a second, smiled, and then thought better of it, "a lot of free cake."

"Oh, okay ... I was jus- jus- goin' ta givya uh kiss," she said drunkly.
 
"Well, that wouldn't hurt anything," thought the Diligent Farmer, "just a little peck." He secretly hoped it would be more.

It was.

A minute later he was gasping for air, a little tipsy just from the smell of her breath.

"I luvya! HIC!" said Elli, and she passed out again. Xerxes walked out with a story to tell Kai, and a secret to keep from Maria. Generally, a happy man.

~

Maria went walking through the mountain forests, looking for good luck crickets to put into her cage. "There you are, you little dickens, you!" she said to the unreplying cricket. She chased him around for a few more minutes, finally cornering it next to a large rock. It seemed to utter an inaudible admission of defeat to Maria. It must of been a pleasant one. It was widely regarded that thanks to the good care that Maria took of all her pet bugs, they loved to be caught by her and only made her chase them for fun.

That's what she liked to think, too.

At last, she had him where she wanted him!

"One, two, three-"

"Gotcha!" said a man's voice from behind the pair of arms that seized her.

Maria screamed.

Woah boy! What is going to happen next? Will Maria be taken hostage -- again!? And will she ever find out about that drunken kiss from the grateful Elli? Will Xerxes brag about it to Kai? Will Xerxes ever be able to commit to just one girl? Or will he hit it off with that foxy Harvest Goddess? Keep your eyes peeled for the upcoming ...

When we last left The Diligent Farmer, Xerxes, he had just saved Elli's life with some cow medicine, getting her roaring drunk in the process.  Little to his knowledge, Maria was up on Moon Mountain alone, and being paid a visit by a mysterious stranger.  Hold onto your backward orange and blue hats:

"Assault, assault!" screamed Maria, flinging herself from her attackers arms, pinning him to the ground with a judo self-defense technique she learned from a woman's defense class.  She completed the technique with a swift kick to the man's groin.  With all that over with, she took the time to see who had "attacked" her.

It was a curled up, wheezing, blue faced man in a purple bandana.

"I...just...came...to say...hi," Kai croaked.

"Oh my gosh!   I'm so sorry, Kai.  I thought you were a rapist or something!"

Kai had regained his breath now, and could speak a little easier.  The hellish pain lingered on, regardless.  "Guess it serves me right for sneaking up on you like that.  Could you help me up?"

"Sure," said Maria. She took his hand and lifted him up. "I really am sorry, a girl just has to keep her guard up these days.  All these perverts wandering in town from the Big City."

"Well, not all of them are from the Big City." said Kai, who knew a little more about the traditional character of men than Maria.  "But keep your eye out for that salesman.  No one who dresses like that can be alright in the head."  He glanced around, nervously.  He didn't like being up here, just him and Maria.  It felt awkward to him for some reason.  He scrambled for the first chance at small talk, "Yeah, I was just up here gathering berries for my cereal this morning.  When I saw you, I just had to say hello."

"Oh, that was nice of you," said Maria with a smile, "but next time, don't sneak up like that."

"Trust me, I won't," he said, still feeling the pain of that decision.  "What are you doing up here all by yourself, anyway?"

"Oh, I am hunting for crickets, see?" she held up a bamboo cage full of the little chirping critters.  "I am getting them for Elli to wish her good health."

"Elli! what is wrong with Elli?" said Kai, with a start.

"She saved our lives, Xerxes and I!  She ran into Popuri's greenhouse where we were and tossed a bomb out the window.  I'm afraid the explosion injured her quite a bit.  I would be more worried, but I trust that Xerxes can take care of her.  He is such a sweetie!" she swooned.

Kai didn't know whether to be more upset that Elli was hurt or that Xerxes was probably nursing her back to health with a little too nice of a bedside manner.  "Yes, I'll bet he already has," Kai gritted his teeth.  There was no love between the two rival harvesters.  Since they were the same age, of the same profession, and of the same popularity with the girls around town, there was always a bitter contest between the two.  Maria and Kai began to walk side by side through the bushes, talking about this and that.  Mostly about Elli, who still had Kai very worried.

Minutes passed.

"So you see, being the only other Master Rancher in town, I have to be very mindful of the weather.  I even do my own forecast by watching the clouds in the wind."

"Yeah, so does Xerxes.  He found a weathervane in the mine last year that he is trying to figure out how to use.   I am sure he will find something to do with it, he is so inventive!"  said the adoring Maria.

Kai was not impressed with all this Xerxes business.  Xerxes this, Xerxes that.  "Don't you think that you are putting a little bit of a pedestal up for Xerxes?  I mean, with his being a cheating, womanizing, money-grubbing jerk and all?"  There was a hint of bitterness.

"Oh, Xerxes is wonderful!  And I think you meant to say a talkative, self-starter with sound financial tactics instead of cheating, womanizing, money-grubbing jerk."  Her faithfulness was steadfast.

"What the heck are you smoking?  I mean, honestly, is there some sort of medication you are taking now, because I can't understand how you could not notice Xerxes's philandering!  I've seen him practically grope Karen right in front of you."

"He said he was looking for her contact that she dropped, and I am not on any medication."  It was a lie, she was on enough pain-killers to make Ernest Hemingway whistle zippity-do-da all the way to the corner candy shop.  Suddenly, her foot hit a rock and she began to fall, "Woah!" she grabbed Kai's arm for support, but he just came tumbling down into the bushes with her.

There was an awkward pause, and then, instinctively Kai pulled her closer.  Maria was motionless with shock.

~

Xerxes was making his way up Moon Mountain to meet Maria.  He had stopped at Kai's place to brag about Elli's kiss, but Kai wasn't home.  Oh well, always time for that.  Over, up, and around the twisting path.  Soon, he could see the top of Moon Mountain, and the surrounding foliage.  There was a rustling in the bushes.  "Hello, what have we here?"  As Xerxes got closer, he saw through the bushes what looked like a girl with glasses.  "Maria?" he thought.  Then, he caught a glimpse of the tell tale purple bandana.  "Kai!" he thought, "Son of a submariner, Maria is steppin' out on me with Kai!"

Like an overalled streak of lightening, Xerxes ran towards Kai with his hammer in hand, jumped, and planted a flying boot square into Kai's back.  Kai rolled off of Maria and deeper into the foliage, howling in pain again.  Xerxes went after him with the hammer raised, "I knew it!  I knew you just couldn't keep your hands to yourself!  Sooner or later, you were gonna want a piece of my Maria!"

THUD!  The hammer barely missed Kai's bandana-clad skull.  "Hey, it was an accident!  We just tripped, I swear!"  Again, THUD! and a miss.

"Oh, I'll bet.  You probably tripped right on top of each other.  Oh, and I bet your lips just happened to be open and near each other, with your eyes closed and everything!"

"Huh?  We did nothing of the sort!" said Kai, scrambling to his feat.  "And what about you, why do I smell Elli's perfume on you?  And that's her lipstick on your neck and face, isn't it!"

"Xerxes!?  What is he talking about!?"  said Maria, also picking herself up from the dirt.  She thought a moment, "Xerxes, what did you do!"

"Um," he said.  "Think fast, think fast!" thought Our Hero, frantically.  "Um, I was in a cosmetics store shopping for your birthday gift and I- uh, my tie was accidentally dunked into some perfume.  Oh! and I reaching for a napkin to wipe it off of my neck, but it was really lipstick, so, um- it got smeared on my face and neck.  Yeah!  Whoops!"  Xerxes knew he was doomed.  "Smooth, really smooth.  Bravo, bravo!" he thought.

"Oh, okay!  Sorry, but I thought for a second that you had taken advantage of Elli when she was delirious from her injuries.  Sorry, I love you again!"  She kissed his cheek.

"HE DOESN'T EVEN OWN A TIE!  AND THERE IS NO COSMETICS SHOP IN TOWN!"  yelled Kai at the top of his lungs, tackling Xerxes to the ground.

"Hey, what about you two sex fiends, eh?  I'm not finished with either of you!" said Our Diligent Farmer, trying to free himself from the clutches of his rival.

Kai stopped, and looked at Maria, who in turn, looked at him.  "Um," they said in unison.

When we last left Our Hero, he had just confronted Kai and Maria up atop Moon Mountain in a ambiguous position.  The Diligent Farmer was on the verge of being exposed right before he pulled a Senator McCarthy and blasted back to Kai the question that is on all of our minds.  What the heck where those two doing together?  I don't know for sure, but nature has is way of warning me...  ANDÉLE!

Maria, stricken with fear, said nothing.

Kai, stupefied, fumbled over the first syllables, but finally spat it out.  "W- we- we were looking for her cricket!  It got out of the cage and I tried to get up again, but the little bugger jumped over my head and I fell flat on my face, and- well, hers."

"Fat chance. I knew that you would be making moves on my girl!  You always want to outdo me, and you will never be able to at a lot of things -- especially girls!" said Xerxes, defiantly.  "And next time you want to come up with some lame-"

A cricket sounded its piercing chirp.  Xerxes looked down at his foot, and there it was.  Maria's good luck cricket had really escaped after all.  Kai was telling the truth!

"Oh, um- YOU GOT LUCKY!"

"Sure I did," said Kai, tightening his bandana as if to certify his coolness, "but let us not forget you, who still has a lot of explaining to-"

"I think that's enough fighting for one morning," said Xerxes, in a strategic intervention, "why not just call it even and shake hands about all this -- as gentlemen."

"That makes one of us," said Kai under his breath.

"Yes, lets!" said Maria, who hated even the thought of violence.  "Why don't we all walk down to the Library together," she said, and continued on with a rare amount of loving authority.  Anything to ease the tension between the rival harvesters.  "Xerxes, you can home and get some vegetables for us to eat.  Kai, take this cricket to Elli and tell her I sent it.  She would love to see you, I'm sure!  I will make a quick stop at home, get some cookies, and then meet you two at the library.  Okay?"

The two enemies hesitantly made their respective nods of affirmation.

~

Xerxes departed company with the other two at the gates to his mighty ranch, Xerxes Farm.  Once inside, he was almost blinded by the shimmering snow that covered the ground like a sheet of white plate glass.  He could here Figaro barking from inside the greenhouse, eager to meet his master.   "Hold onto your mange, Figaro, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

Inside the greenhouse were rows upon rows of corn, tomatoes, cabbage, and strawberries.  In the last year alone, Xerxes had made enough money from this greenhouse to live in moderate comfort for several years.  He was on the verge of becoming a very rich man.  Figaro barked at him, and took a running jump into his arms, licking his master's face like a puppy.  Figaro was really an old fart, as far as dogs go.  Middle aged.  Xerxes let him out to romp in the snow.

Our Diligent Farmer got the vegetables and put them in a spare rucksack he had in the organizer.

As much as he tried, he couldn't keep his mind off of things.  Everything had just happened so fast this morning.  It's not even one o'clock yet!  First, he went to Maria's workplace, only to find that it was Popuri doing a poor impersonation of Maria in efforts to win him over to her.  He turned Popuri over to Karen for a world class beating.

Oh, voluptuous Karen ... er, whoops!  Knock it off, man!

Then, he rescued the abducted Maria from the florist's greenhouse via plans he found stashed away in Popuri's diary.  Then, someone tried to blow him up by planting a bomb in his rucksack, only to be thwarted by Elli.  Who was trying to kill him?  Why did the killer wait until he was far enough away from Maria to blow up the bomb?  And most of all,  how the heck did Elli know about the bomb?  "Perhaps he could get that information from Elli later," Xerxes thought aloud.  "As of right now, she's too drunk to spell her own name."

~

Kai half walked, half ran to Elli's place.  He was so frightened for her.  He had only been at this village for a few years, and already, someone was trying to explode his girlfriend!  Weird town.  But who would want to blow up the baker's daughter?  Was he next on the hit list?

Kai knocked on the door to Elli's house and was let in by her grandmother.  "Oh, its you Elli!  Kai was just here looking for you!"

"I am Kai, and Elli is half dead in her room right now.  I've come to take care of her."

"Well, okay, Elli.  You know best.  But are you sure that letting the cat run out into the wild is a good idea?  I mean, she has never had to depend on herself before.  Maybe she's not ready."

"Er, yes ma'am," muttered Kai.  He slipped into Elli's room.

"AH!  Xerxes!  Yuh come so I can givyuh 'nuther kiss?" said Elli, still drunk as a hooty owl on the bloody bedspread.

"No, I am Kai, dear, and you are in big trouble."  So it was she who kissed Xerxes, and not the other way around.  Not that this really stood for much on the farmer's record of incessant philanderings, but it did redeem him for the moment.  "What is this about you saving Maria and Xerxes from an explosion?"

"Oh yeah, thaz the guy.  HIC!  I knowya from anywheres.  I waz jus' mindin' my own business, then running to the greenhouse and KA-BLAM!"

"Okay, maybe you should rest, dear."  This was a side to Elli he never wanted to know about.

"Ha ha HA! Okey doke!"  she said, and was out like a light.

~

Maria took her time at home to gather the cookies and down a few pain-killers.  The medicine man in town just gave her the whole bottle because he was sick of her constant needs for prescriptions.  She was a real dark horse for the town, aside from all of her sweetness, because of her problems.  That was okay though, she didn't ever know that people talked behind her back because she was too blissfully entranced with the happy drug world the pills made for her.

Besides, everyone in this town was a dark horse in one way or another.  In comparison, she was pretty tame.  It was a well known fact that Karen was a violent drunk, especially to the four guys she beat up.  All was common knowledge, as well, about Ann's brothers voyeuristic tendencies.  Popuri has now been exposed as a deceitful skank.  Xerxes, of course, was the rich, lying, womanizing, egotist that took advantage of any female with two legs.  (He was even rumored to have had an interesting night with the Harvest Goddess.) And we won't even get into the Mayor's questionable private life.

The drugs told Maria that all of these people were okay, though.  She could believe anything she told herself.  The one thing she couldn't shake was the attempt made on her boyfriends life.  No amount of chemicals in the world can erase that.

~

"There you go, and let that be a lesson to you," said Karen to a battered pink-haired girl lying in the street in front of her.  "| don't know what you did, but I bet you won't ever try a stunt like it again!  Heh, heh."  Nothing nearly as satisfying as pummeling someone for the shear joy of it.  Except for doing so drunk, thought Karen.  Popuri crawled home, sniffling to herself.

Just then, Xerxes, Our Faithful Hero, walked by.  "Hey, Karen!  Thanks for taking care of Popuri for me.  Can you believe she did that?"

"Um," Karen thought, "No."  She had no clue what Popuri did, but didn't want to admit that she was out of the loop.  "Say, Xerxes, why don't we go have a drink and talk about it?"  Her eventual goal was to get Xerxes roaring drunk and take advantage of him for once.  She thought it was a good pay back for all the times he has done that to her and other girls.  Besides, he amused her.  "Okay," she admitted to herself, "I do it because he's so cute.  But still..."

"Well, I was just on my way to meet Maria and Kai at the library.  Maybe you can come with us."

"Oh, okay."  She didn't know what else to do, besides, she wanted to find out about that explosion across the street a few hours ago. "Are we going to talk about that ex-"

The sound of a horse galloping filled both peoples ears.  Louder and louder until right next to them was Ann, yelling at the top of her lungs.  "QUICK!  Everyone, listen to me!"  Just at that moment, Kai and Maria wandered into the scene.

"Huh, what's going on?" asked Kai.

"Hey there, Ann.  What's the problem?"

"I'll tell you what the problem is!"  yelled Ann, "My barn is ON FIRE!!!"

When we last left Our Hero, Xerxes the Diligent Farmer, he, Maria, Kai, and Karen had just been notified by Ann that the Green Ranch's barn was on fire!  Oh, how quickly this plot seems to thicken without really going anywhere!

Xerxes, Maria, Karen, and Ann rushed to the Green Ranch  help save the flaming barn.  When they arrive, they find Gray, Ann's brother; Jeff, Elli's father; and Rick, the town inventor that amazingly enough, invents almost nothing.  The three men were hurriedly throwing buckets of sea water from the nearby beach onto the flames.  Due to their small numbers, not much was happening.  Xerxes rushed to their aid, "Let me give you guys a hand!"

"Please do, and get the girls involved!" yelled Gray, in a rare moment of emotion.  

"You heard him, stop gawking like idiots and grab some buckets!" yelled Xerxes at the three girls who immediately shook themselves out of their stupor and ran to the shed to fetch anything they could find that would hold water.

The searing blaze roared on into the night and the eight men and women were not enough to save the building.  Gray threw himself onto the ground and put his head in his hands.  "I can't believe it!  All the time and effort I spent building that barn!  Who- who would do such a thing!?"

Ann knelt down to comfort him, "there, there, Gray.  All the animals were saved, and we can build a new barn any time we want."

"Wait a second," said Kai, "did you say that someone did this?"

"Yes," replied Ann, "There is no way that barn could have caught fire any other way.  There were no lanterns in it or light bulbs.  Someone had to have done it on purpose, but who!"

"Look!" shouted Rick, his mouth looking enormous through the huge magnifying glass in front of his face, "I found something, perhaps they are clues as to who did this!"  The gang gathered around Rick who help up two items -- a broken bottle and a small pouch.

"What the heck are those things and how could they be clues?" said Xerxes.

"Just shut up for once and listen to Rick!" scolded Kai.

"Hey, why don't you take your own advice?  You'd do us all a bit of good if you would just swallow that queer bandana and die!"

"Oh yeah?  Well why don't you come over here and say it to my-"

"Face?" interrupted Jeff. "I guess we all know where to find it since it is in some way always attached to my daughter!  Why don't you pipe down, you lecherous sex fiend and-"

"KNOCK IT OFF!" Ann yelled at the top of her lungs.  "We are trying to find the arson who torched my barn, and we can't do that with all this bickering between you men!"

Silence, and then applause from Maria.  Karen didn't clap since she was always excited when there was a possible brawl to join.  She could take all three of them, she thought.

"Anyway," said Rick, "the bottle was what actually started the fire.  It is broken and has a wick stuck to the top of the cap.  Obviously, the barn was burned down by a simple glass fire bomb.  The unique shape of the bottle indicates that it is made to hold wine, and it has a date on the bottom as well as an origin.  I think it is a very good possibility that the fire was started by someone who works at the vineyard or bar."

"Oh, um ... I was just thinking the same thing," said Xerxes.

Karen and Kai looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.  They were both with Xerxes and Maria, and could not have started the fire.  That only left Karen's father.  She cracked her knuckles, eager for the excuse to knock out a few of her old man's teeth.

"And the small pouch, it contains a small collection of seeds.  I am no botanist, but I don't think any of these are used to grow typical crops.  The arson must have dropped them during their flight.  This also leaves the possibility that Basil the botanist did it.  And look, there is even a little trail of seeds leading away from the barn."

"Wow, Rick.  That's all great, but," Xerxes paused, "if you are so smart, how come you haven't invented anything but a room organizer, livestock care tools, and a rug?"

"Um."  Rick was speechless for a while, and then, in a meek tone, "I'm working on a teleporter ... "

"Riiight," said Jeff, "Anyway, I think we men need to get together and hunt down these suspects.  Who's with me?"  Xerxes, Rick, Gray, and Kai all agreed and moved together.

"Say, there are two suspects here.  Why don't the women go and watch me pummel my dad while the men go after Basil?"  

"Good idea!" cheered Ann.

"Okay, why not?" said Maria, who was not normally into violence, but had been acting rather strange lately.

Xerxes watched the girls assemble.  Each one so pretty to him that he could no longer help himself.  "Well, I don't think you ladies should be leaving all by yourself without a strong, male escort.  I think I will come with you."

Maria gave him an odd look, "Why, dear?  Karen is stronger than anyone here.  She could take care of us."

"Um," Xerxes had to think fast, "well, mostly I am worried about you, sweetie.  I can't bare to let you out of my sight and into a dangerous situation no matter how protected you are."

"Aww..." she replied, and hugged him, "how sweet of you!"  Xerxes should have felt guilty, but he didn't.  After all, was it his fault that all five girls in the town were so hot?  It is only natural!

The men's group tried to act like they were disgusted, but each one was mentally kicking themselves for not having the same idea.

"Fine, we'll see you guys later," said Kai.  The other men were already on their way.

"Come on, Casanova, we are waiting on you," said Jeff, and they were on they were on their way.

~

The men's group followed the trail of seeds into the cave under Moon Mountain.  With only a lantern to guide them, Gray lead the group through the dark, narrow, twisting passages.

"Come on, follow me!" he said, "I think I know where this is going, I have been down here often."  Kai, who had never ventured into the caves before, looked around in wonderment.

"It's so ... creepy down here," he said as he paused for a moment to look at the stalactites on the cave ceiling.

"Yeah, I bet you think this would be a great place to take advantage of my daughter," accused Jeff, "Eh, lover boy?"

"Hey now, let's not get nasty," Rick intervened. "We are trying to catch an arsonist, here."

Just then, a breeze blew through the cave and snuffed out Gray's lantern.

"Hey, what's going on?" yelled Kai.

"I don't know. I guess it's not normal for you to be in the dark unless you are sneaking into Elli's room,  you dirty pervert!" said Jeff.

"Guys, please!  I told you to-"

BANG!  A roar echoed through the cavern so loudly it sounded like the explosion of a cannon.  Gray pulled Kai and Jeff down, "Hit the deck!"

All was silent.

Kai picked himself up off the floor as Gray relit the lantern, "Whew!  What was that, Rick?  Some kind of avalanche?"  Silence.  "Rick?  RICK!!!"  He was on the floor, eyes open and gazing coldly at the ceiling, bleeding from the chest.

Goodness me!  What happened there?  Tune in next time, same harvest station, same harvest channel, and find out who set fire to the barn and ... WHO SHOT RICK!?

All of this, and more in ... ON THIS HARVEST MOON -- PART THE NINTH!!!

When we last left our lovely Flower Bud Village citizens, they had split up into two groups in search of possible two possible arsonists -- Basil, to botanist, and Karen's dad.  The "men's" group -- Kai, Rick, Gray, and Jeff -- had run into some trouble in the Moon Mountain caves.  Xerxes, Maria, Karen, and Ann were last seen heading to the Moon Mountain Vineyard to hunt down Karen's father.  What carnage will ensue in this installment of ... ON THIS HARVEST MOON:  PART THE NINTH???

"Finally," said Karen with morbid delight, "a chance to get back at my old man!"  She opened up a book of matches she had in her purse for years, saving them for just such an occasion.

"Karen, don't!" yelled Ann.  "We aren't sure whether it was him or not!  Besides, where will you stay after you've burnt your house down with your family in it?"

Karen thought for a while, and then calmly said, "I'll live at Xerxes's place until I can jump ship to the Big City.  I'm sure he wouldn't mind," she looked at him, "eh, Xerxes?"

"No, not a problem at all!  In fact, I would be honored to have you stay with me." Xerxes couldn't believe it, what luck!  What opportunity!  "By all means, let's torch this place and get out of here."  He took a match from Karen's little cardboard book.

"NO!!!  I will not stand for this!" Maria said, with such gusto and urgency that all fell silent.  "That is not a good enough reason to burn down your own house, Karen!  And Xerxes, you and I are going to have a nice, long talk."

Karen sulked and brooded, her head on the ground, fixating a stone frown at her shoes.

"But- but-" Xerxes was speechless.  Maria has never retaliated to his advances on other girls.  Never!  "Something is not right here," he thought.

"Hey you guys, look!"  Ann peered through the window to the house and pointed out Karen's father, sound asleep on the couch amidst several empty wine bottles.  "I don't think he could have just set fire to the barn, come home, get tanked on fifteen bottles of wine, and pass out in the few hours that we were fighting that fire.  Besides, he's still in his pajamas.  He must have started this early in the morning."

"Uh-huh, convincing evidence, but ... ah, what the heck!"  Xerxes struck the match and Karen joined him.

"Stop it!"  yelled Maria, again.  "You two need to give us some time to figure this out."

The two plopped down on a snow-covered tree stump and grumbled.

"Ann, let's go down into the wine cellar and check the bottles down their for a matching vintage or origin."  The two clambered down into the wine cellar, leaving Xerxes and Karen alone.

"You know, you can still stay at my place any time you want."

"Yeah, I guess.  But, well, what about Maria?"

"What about her?  She'd never know, and even if she found out, I would just come up with some bogus excuse and she'd buy it."

"Yeah, I guess.  She hasn't been doing that lately, from the looks of it."

"Well, no.  But I think it's just that time of the month."

Karen glared at him, but thought better of pummeling this sexist pig in interest of one day marrying him.  "I really just wanted to burn down my house."

"Well," he put his arm around her, "sometimes our schemes of fiery violence in hopes of famial independence and sordid love affairs don't exactly work out as planned, but you can bet they never will work out if you just give up like that."

"Wow, Xerxes, that's really sweet ... or something."

"Yep, yep.  I'm a regular Socrates when it comes to the ways of the silver tongue," said Xerxes, full of a type of pride that only a psuedo-intellectual windbag like himself could ever truly understand.

"Socrates was a philosopher, not a poet.  I think you mean Homer," corrected Karen.

"Okay, okay ... so I'm not a real affectionado on the Roman poets, so shoot me.  Geeze."

"GRRRR!!!" Karen tried to repress her frustration with the dolt, and failed.  "It's AFICIONADO, and Socrates and Homer were GREEKS!!!  Not Romans, GREEKS!"

"You are almost as bad as Maria with all of her Mark Shakespeare and William Twain."

"You are so ignorant, it hurts me to think about it."

"Oh, just kiss me, you nerd."

"Okay," and she almost did.  "Oh crap!  It's them!  Quick, try to act like we are still upset."

"So, you two pyromaniacs, it looks like this man is not the arsonist," said as she and Karen exited the small building.

"Yeah, the vintage and the origin don't match anything in that cellar at all.  Not even by a long shot," said Maria, staring down at her befuddled boyfriend.  "The broken bottle we found is about twenty years older than anything down there, and it came from a town three hundred miles from here."

"Um," mumbled Xerxes, "we had better get back to my ranch and wait for the other guys to come back."  There were murmurs and nods of agreement, and they departed.

~

"Hey, Xerxes," whispered Ann.  They were all four walking down the mountain to the ranch, but Karen was far behind, brooding again, and Maria was ahead of them, giving her boyfriend the silent treatment.  "You- you really did a great job putting out the fire in my barn."

"Um, it burned to the ground, remember?"

"Oh, right.  But you looked so- so- manly doing it."  She blushed and smiled.

"Why thank you," said Our Hero, donning his 'ladies' man's'  voice, "it isn't like I work out or anything.  Just doing the traditional farm work is strenuous enough."

"Yeah, I'll bet," said Ann, almost swooning.  "Yeah ... "

"Aw, that barn thing was nothing compared to my other macho adventures.  Did I ever tell you about the time I caught a gang of cattle rustlers using nothing but my baseball cap, some strawberries, and- uh- a lariat?"

Maria cast a watchful eye at him and the two straightened up.

The four were now nearing the ranch, and Xerxes felt it was time to make up with Maria.  He ran to meet her, "Maria- hey!  Maria, wait up!"

"I don't want to talk to you right now," she said, coldly.

"I thought you just that we were going to have a nice, long- what the heck is that?" Our Diligent Farmer exclaimed, looking at the side of his livestock barn.  On its side, in big, spray painted letters, was written:

DON'T MESS WITH ME
I OWN THIS TOWN!

Wow, this deal just gets hairier and hairier, eh?  Hey, you wanna know what happens to Kai and gang?  Will they ever find a way out of the caves, and is Rick okay?  What about Maria?  Is she finally catching on that Xerxes is a philandering womanizer? And, after all, WHO SHOT RICK?  Well, I'd tell you, but then you'd have no reason to read ...

When we last left Kai, he with with Gray, Jeff, and Rick and was wandering through the caves below Moon Mountain, looking for Basil, who was suspected of setting fire to the barn in the Green Ranch.  Last you heard, everything was dark, a shot rang out, the lights came back on, and Rick was on the floor bleeding.  WHO SHOT RICK??? Find out in ... On This Harvest Moon:  Part the Tenth!
 

"Quick, is he still breathing?" yelled Gray, in yet another rare show of emotion.

Kai checked Rick's pulse and lungs, "Yes, he's breathing, but he's out cold.  We have to get him back to town, and fast!"

"Guys, keep your heads down," whispered Jeff, "there is Charlie all over this place!"

"Jeff, what's going on?" said a bewildered Kai.

"Shh!  Give me the two-way, I'm calling in an air strike to take this place off the map."

"Sweet crap, he's having a flashback from his days fighting in the steamy jungles during the war," Gray whispered.  "Quick, someone get him some water."

Jeff was talking into a small rock, "Hey, this is third platoon requesting an Agent Orange drop.  Are you there, Airman?  Over and out."

"You had better back track so we can find the way out, I'll tend to Rick and Jeff," said Gray, in his usual monotone.

"Okay, I'll be right back."

Several minutes passed.  Gray attended Rick, who was still breathing, but comatose.  He cleaned and dressed the bullet wound in Rick's side, wrapping his shirt sleeve around the man's waist to keep pressure on the opening.  After Rick was all bandaged up, Gray left the area.  Jeff busied himself by camouflaging his face with mud and tying his bow tie around his forehead like a bandana.

Kai returned, "Gray, I found the exit, but it has been sealed shut.  Gray?  Where are you?"  Kai wandered around aimlessly, searching for the silent ranch hand.   Then, he spotted a dark figure at the far end of the cavern.   "Gray, is that you?"

"I don't know who you are talking about, but I am here to help you," the dark figure replied.

"Who- who are you?"

"I am evil's greatest fear.  I am the night.  I am BATMAN!" exclaimed the dark figure, who was now made visible by the lantern that Gray had left, was clearly in a Batman costume -- complete with cape and cowl.

"Um," said the dumbfounded Kai and Jeff.

"Quick, follow me.  I will take you to my Bat Cave." announced Batman.  The two followed him, dragging the knocked out Rick behind them.  After ten minutes of wandering through corridor after damp corridor, they reached a small, decorated alcove that was designated "The Bat Cave" by a message written in chalk along with a crude picture of the Caped Crusader's flying vermin namesake.  "Here we are, citizens."

"This dude has Charlie plastered all over his face," muttered GI Jeff to his platoon partner.

The "Bat Cave" was actually a small, furnished grotto, complete with an easy chair, desk, television, and photographic dark room equipment -- all of which were illuminated by a single, red light bulb.  Along a close line that ran between the two walls, were freshly developed prints, dripping with fixer solution.  Kai examined them more closely, and saw that they were all candid pictures of Popuri in her room that "Batman" had taken through the window when he thought she didn't notice him.  Popuri watering flowers, Popuri sorting seeds, Popuri combing her hair, Popuri writing in her diary, etc.  This Dark Knight had to be one of the worst voyeurs ever, since he had not managed to get a single picture of his subject in any state of undress.

"Nevermind those pictures, merely evidence in- um- another criminal case I have been working on," ensured the Guardian of Gotham as he motioned to a small hole atop the high, vaulted ceiling and releasing a thin beam of moonlight from the top of Moon Mountain.  "Up there is the only other opening in this cave, and our route of escape."

"Good work, um, Batman.  But how are we going to get up there?  It's at least twenty feet from the floor.

The dark one picked up a Moon Stone from the floor.  "Give me your bandana, citizen."

"Um, okay," said Kai, as he took the purple rag from his head and handed it to the vigilante.  The masked man then tied the Moon Stone to it.

"This won't be long enough, do you have any spares?"

"Just one, but that won't help much."

"Please, gentlemen, remove your shirts."

"Um, how about no?" Kai inquisitively muttered.

"Please, you won't ever escape if you don't do this."  Kai did.  "What about you, trooper?"

"Not wearing one, used it to signal the air raid," said the old soldier.

"Um," said Batman.

"I hate to deprive a man of decent covering, but we're going to have to ask for your pants on this one," said Kai.  Jeff, still envisioning steamy jungles and viscous firefights, was willing to risk his trousers for the platoon.  Batman tied them all together and swung the makeshift grappling hook over his head a few times, and then tossed it up, out of the opening.

"Here we go, citizens.  Please, after you."  Jeff and Kai managed to scurry up the rope and out into the crisp night air.

"Whew, nice to be out of there, eh Jeff?"

"Um, where are my pants, and why is there mud of my face?" inquired the baker, recently rendered sensible by the cool, fresh breeze.

"Long story, we better get rick up here."  Kai yelled down the hole, "Hey, how are we going to get Rick up here?  He's unconscious, you know."

Batman responded, "I will tie him to rope, and you two can pull him up."

"But, how will you get out?"

"Nevermind that.  I am one with the night.  It is my home and, with its protection, I will escape later."

"Riiiight." Jeff and Kai hoisted up Rick, placed him down on the snow covered ground and turned around to see Gray, sitting on a rock and watching them.

"Gray, where did you come from?"  asked Jeff.

"Huh?  I just wandered off and found my own way out.  And why do you have a bandana and mud on your face and are dressed only in your underwear?"

"Oh, um ... good question," Jeff replied.  Then, from nearby, a voice was heard.

"Hey, you guys, help me out here!"  The voice came from inside a tree.  The group moved toward it to find a weary, starving Basil, the Botanist, hanging by his leg from a tree.

"How did you get up there, Basil?" yelled Kai.

"I don't really remember, it was days ago!  I found this guy, dressed in all black, spying on my daughter through her bedroom window.  I chased the pervert all the way up here, he disappeared into some hole, and then I put my foot in this trap and have been here ever since."

"Hmm..." Kai speculated.  Gray shuffled his feet and looked away.

"Oh, and could you do me a favor and get me down from here?  I'm going to get tetanus from this rope soon, and I have to get some food in my belly before I faint!"  yelled Basil, who was really quite pale and skinny.

"He must have really been up there for days," thought Kai. "There's no way he could have set fire to that barn," he whispered to Jeff.

"Yeah, we had better get him down and feed him or something," Jeff replied.

"I don't know, this could all be some kind of act.  We had better leave him up here until he gives up that crazy story about the voyeur," said Gray, suspiciously.

Kai looked at him and frowned, "No, I don't think so, Gray.  It sounds convincing enough to me."

"Hey, I don't know anything about this!" Gray quickly replied, defending himself.

"Excuse me, gentlemen?" asked the man in the tree.  "A little help here?"
 

Moses smell the roses!  If Karen's dad isn't the arsonist, and neither is Basil, then who set fire to the Green Ranch's barn?  Who do the clues really lead to?  And, WHO SHOT RICK???  All these and more questions to be answered in the next chapter, which I like to call ...

When we last left our intrepid Farmer of Farmers, he was heading home after a discouraging failure trying to burn down the Moon Mountain Vineyard.  He and his devoted female posse had just entered the gates to the mighty Xerxes Ranch to find a cryptic message spray painted on the barn:  "Don't mess with me, I own this town!"  Who could have written it?  And just because he isn't in this part of the story, that doesn't mean you can stop wondering WHO SHOT RICK???  The answer to these and more will be avoided when we hit the ground a'runnin' in ... ON THIS HARVEST MOON:  PART THE ELEVENTH!

The group was stunned.  Maria shuddered and was comforted by Ann as the two headed into the house.  Karen cracked her knuckles and made a growling noise.  Xerxes, humbled and stupefied by this attack on his ranch, could only mutter inarticulate syllables to supposedly obscene adjectives.  After a small period of combined growling and muttering, he spoke.

"I have seen a lot of crazy crap happen in my lifetime, but today has outweighed them all.  Not only does this clown explode a greenhouse in town to kill me and burn down a barn for God only knows what reason, he attacks me!  Xerxes, of the Mighty Xerxes Ranch!"

"Yup, pretty crazy crap," added Karen, still cracking and massaging her knuckles.  "I can't wait to trounce this buffoon.  But, Xerxes, there is one thing about all this that bothers me."

"What's that?  Is it anything besides the recent plague wanton carnage and destruction, because that is what is bothering most of us."

"No," said the nonchalant Karen, "What really bothers me is how come that idiot didn't burn down your house while he was here?  I mean, honestly, what kind of brainiac gets close enough to paint a message on his enemy's barn but doesn't cause a little havoc after the act?  We know it's not a moral dilemma."

"Well, yes, you're right.  I really don't-"  There was then the barking of a chipper and useless farm dog.  "Figaro!  How on the Goddesses green moon did you-" Xerxes noticed the hole under the greenhouse.  "Oh."  A small piece of blue fabric fell from the dogs teeth.  "Hmm ... that's suspicious."

"Oh, that must be why our culprit never got around to torching your home.  Figaro saved the day!"

"Um," he looked at the drooling monument to lethargy before him, "he really has never proved to be so ... useful ... before."  Figaro barked and licked his masters face.  "But you sure came through when I needed you to!  Yes you did!  You are just my little helper, yes you are!"  More happy wagging and drooling from the furrier one.

"Oh come on, don't make me vomit."

Xerxes thought of the perfect retort, and said, smiling with every word, "You certainly did last week when I drank you under your own bar table.  We wouldn't want me to win another favor without even trying, would we?  Heh, heh."

"Shut up, I let you win and you know it," she picked up the blue fabric and put it into her pocket.  "We all know that every new year you have to be carried home after two drinks."

"They were strong drinks!"  At that very moment, the group became six as Kai, Jeff, Popuri and Basil entered the ranch gates.  Gray had left the group to drop of the comatose Rick, who, if due attention was paid, would be remembered to have been shot by an unknown gunman.

"Hey, Xerxes.  We brought Basil with us."  Karen started a lunge.  "Not so fast, we found him stuck in a tree and he has been there for days.  See?  He is really hungry and needs food soon."

"YES!  I do need food soon, of I fear that I will faint," said Basil with a survivor's instinct.

"It's okay, dad.  I brought you some herb soup.  You will be fine, I'm here to take care of you."

"Oh, yum.  I have been without food for three days and you bring me chives in hot water.  Thanks, pumpkin," muttered Basis under his breath.

"Well, okay.  Let's come inside and talk about what we have found -- which appears to be nothing."  said Our Diligent Farmer.  With that, Karen, Kai, Xerxes, Jeff, Popuri, and the hungry Basil entered the house, leaving Figaro to watch camp.

Once inside, Popuri, Karen, Ann, and the still rattled Maria formed the "girl talk" group that is instinctive in all females, and then the estrogen-powered cluster gravitated toward the kitchen, leaving the men to do their "bonding."

"So, here we are.  Looks like I'll never get to crack any skulls," said Karen.

"Hey, this is about justice, not violence!" said an outraged Ann.  "When we catch the perpetrator, and we will, he will be brought to court like any other criminal."

"We don't have any courts here," Maria said quietly, always the voice of logic.

"Oh, in that case, I guess mob rule will have their bloody way whenever, and with whoever they want," said Popuri in a pointed fashion toward Karen, who had gave her the trampling of a lifetime earlier that morning.

"Hey, you're one to talk about having one's way with whoever whenever.  I seem to remember you got that pummeling thanks to your attempt to kidnap Maria and seduce Xerxes."

Maria looked crossly at the pink-haired girl.

"Um," said Popuri.

"This isn't about our petty differences anymore," yelled Ann, "this is about life and death!  My animals almost died in a fire caused by this- this- MARAUDER!"

"Oh, you and your poor animals.  All you ever care about are your sweet, cuddly little animals.  You make me sick!" snapped Karen, "From what I've overheard from the men out there, Rick is dying from a gun wound, and all you can think about his how bootsy and bobbsy, your twin horses, were almost hurt in a barn fire."

"Their names are BETSY AND BYRON!  And they are like FAMILY TO ME!"

"Yeah, well, I'd want a new family too, if I were you," interjected Popuri, "The only others you have are your crusty old father and that sociopathic pervert brother!"

"How is my brother a pervert?" demanded Ann.

"He dresses up like a cat burglar and takes pictures through her window!" yelled Karen.  "I have seen him do it, it's revolting!  Can't he see that the real beauty sits behind the bar table in the building next door!?  A philanderer and a dolt!"

"YOU ARE ALL PHILANDERING SLUTS!!!" bellowed Maria at the top of her little lungs.  "I have seen each and every one of you make at least one pass at my boyfriend today.  Some of you, I have seen make two or three passes!  And some of you have even gone to the lengths of kidnapping and impersonating me to do so!  Only I have the right to get mad, and I have good enough reason to be so at all of you!  So, everybody get along!"

Chaos for a split second.

"NOW!!!"

Silence.

"Okay," she uttered in a sweet-as-sugar voice, "somebody, brew up some coffee.  I am exhausted."

~

"Um," Xerxes said, in reference to the roar from the kitchen,  "that was loud."  The feeling was unanimous.

"Well, I think we have come to a conclusion," said Kai.  "We now have three pieces of material evidence that point to absolutely no suspect, and no motive."

"Hmm ... " thought Jeff, readying his sarcastic onslaught for the youth.  "I guess we'd better go home.  My ailing daughter hasn't had her nightly share of TLC from Don Juan de Bandana, here."

"Guys, shut up!  I still haven't eaten, and all this excitement is going to make me faint," said a very pale Basil the Botanist.

"Okay, fine.  We will all go home and regroup in the morning.  I think a little brake from all of this madness would do us all a bit of good," finalized Xerxes, affirming his self-appointed position as ring leader.

"Whatever," muttered Kai, followed by more pathetic agreement from the group.  "Lets go, Jeff.  We both should be checking up on Elli now, anyway."

"Yeah, okay," responded the baker, and the two left.  One by one, the rest of the group followed their example.  Karen left next, and then Popuri and Basil, and finally Ann exited.  It was just Maria and Xerxes, now.

"Maria, I am going out to plant these seeds we found.  Might as well make a profit off of these bunk clues."

"Okay, dear.  When you get back, we need to have our talk.  I promise it won't be terribly long-" she yawned, "not long at all."

"Okay," said Xerxes, and he left.  It had been a long day, and an eternity of a night.  Time for one last chore, and then bed.

He was just putting the final patches of dirt on the seeds, when Our Hero heard a scream and then the shattering of glass.  "Maria!  Maria, I'm coming!"

Whew!  The action just never stops, does it?  Well, I promise there will be some REAL plot development in the next chapter.  You'll see, you'll understand as soon as I introduce you to ...

When we last left our Hero, he had just been up to some late planting in the greenhouse, when he heard the sound of Maria's scream and breaking glass.  It was pretty horrifying, really.  What exciting exploits will sprout from this fiasco?  Find out in ... well, you know by now.

"Maria!  Maria, I'm coming!"  When Our Diligent Farmer reached the sobbing and shaken librarian, there was a small fire glowing next to her from a broken fire bomb.  He quickly put it out with a mound of snow.

"Oh, Xerxes!  It was terrible, there was- a- a- man outside the window.  He was- was- watching me!  I screamed," said Maria.

"Shh," comforted Xerxes, "he's gone now.  I think you scared him off for good.  He won't be back."  He took a look at the broken bottle -- sure enough, same vintage and date as the last fire bomb.  "Let's get some rest, shall-" he turned around to notice that Maria had already retired to his bed.  HIS bed.  "Oh well, I guess she needed the rest."  He turned to his faithful hound.  "Figaro, you keep watch and kill anything that comes too close, got it?"  The dog didn't seem any meaner, but made a really serious looking puddle on the floor to signal that he meant business.  "Um, good dog?"

Our Hero put his ax by the door, and fell asleep in the door frame.  A long, dreamless sleep.

~

He awoke early the next morning, thanks to the chirping birds of Springtime.  He made his way to the bathroom, took a bath, and changed into some new clothes.  The clothes were surprisingly identical to the clothes he wore every day of his life, but they were clean.  Xerxes went outside and admired the sunrise of Spring for a few moments.  Soon, he was joined by Maria.

"Seasons change pretty fast here, don't they Xerxes?"

"Yeah, they do." He stared on at the beautiful sunrise.  "Just yesterday, the ground was covered with snow and ice.  And now, with the change of a few hours, everything is Springtime fresh.  Wow, that was kind of poetic, wasn't it?"

"That's a fabric softener slogan you just quoted, my little poet."  She hugged him, and looked up at the stars.

"Oh, yeah.  I guess it is," he shuffled his feet.

"Look, the Springtime moons, Corolonius and Ophelia, are already up," she pointed to the glowing green and pink pastel orbs floating side by side in the red and gold heavens.  "You now, they look soft and festive for the season, but really, they are quite different on the surface.  You want to know about it?"

"Oh," Xerxes rolled his eyes, preparing for the coming lecture, "by all means, sweetie."

"Okay, well, I didn't want to bore you or anything."  He tried to look attentive as she talked.  "Corolonius's green color comes from seas of frozen ultra-dense nitrogen gas and water.  The surface is really a lifeless, rough tundra.  Ophelia gets it's pink color from the thousands of volcanoes on its surface that are constantly spewing forth sulfurous vapor.  Some of that nasty stuff gets caught in the thin atmosphere and turns it that yellowish color.  Did you know that Xerxes?"

"Um," he tried to pretend like he was listening the whole time, "no, I didn't know any of that.  Where, oh where did you ever attain such fascinating astronomical knowledge, my love?"

Maria looked crossly at him, "If you are going to make fun of me, I won't tell you."

"No, really.  Tell me."

"I read it all in a book from the library that I have been looking at from time to time when it isn't busy.  Tee-hee!"

"That's my little bookworm," said the Gentleman Farmer.  "Don't ever ask me why I ended up in love with such a nerdy girl, because I couldn't tell you."  He kissed her cheek.

"Aww ... I don't know whether to hug you or slap you!"

"Ooo, I'll take both!"

"Okay, weirdo."

"Hey, there is Marianda!  Weird that a Winter moon would stick around like that.  Isn't that the moon you were named after?"

"Yes, how did you know that?" she asked, since no one but her parents knew that she was named after the egg-shell blue moon.

"Oh, um ... " Xerxes had to act like he didn't see that written in her diary when he read it a few days ago.  "I just guessed ... Marianda, Maria -- they are similar."  Then, he deftly changed the subject, "Oh, and look!  It still has its red ring around it.  It is an old farmer's superstition that a red ring around Marianda is the sign of a plentiful harvest that year."

"Yeah, the ring is actually just ice particles in Mirianda's orbit being illuminated by the red rays from a weather disturbance on Io," she pointed to the massive gas giant planet that had all the moons, including the one they lived on, in it's gravitational hold.

"Oh, way to go and take the magic out of it all."  The looming red and gray Io served as a dark second sun to the small harvest moon and had a deep religious significance to everyone on it.  "You can't convince me that the Harvest Goddess didn't come from there, I've asked her!"

"Yeah, I know that the Harvest Goddess was born of Io.  It's really a shame that most people don't anymore.  Maybe they should be more pious, like you?"  No response.  "Xerxes?  Xerxes!"

"Um," he was startled from his brief meditation on the Harvest Goddesses incredible sex appeal, "yeah, I sure am devoted to following her."

"Hey, you.  I know that you think the Goddess is hot.  You don't have to try and hide it from me."

"Well, sort of, I guess ... I don't know ..." more shuffling of feet.

"Well, you can't have her, silly.  She's a deity, not just another slut from town!  You are stuck with me, why can't you face it?" Maria smiled.

"Hey, speaking of sluts from town, what has gotten into you?  You never used to notice me flirting with Karen and Elli."

"Oh, well, there is something I need to tell you.  I have been on pain-killers for a long time.  I overdose them quite often, and most of the time I am in such a drug-induced happy world, I can't see anything bad going on for what it is.  But after all this craziness, I have been forgetting to take them every day."

"Oh, well ..." he thought, "why not get back on them now?"

"Oh no!  I've seen what you're like!  It may be hard on me, but I'm not going back on the drugs until I see that I can trust you!"

"Well, you can, now.  I know that I've been a two-timing bastard to you-"

"I'll say!"

"Hey, no interruptions!  This is my cute little monologue!" Xerxes scolded.  "Anyway, I just want you to know that this weirdness has only helped me realize that I love you, and only you."

"Well, that's good," Maria seemed a little disappointed.  She was expecting a lot more from him.

"No, that's not all!  I mean, well, you have something that not just every slut in town has.  I don't know what to call it, but you have it.  I don't know what else to say, but being with any other woman just feels like I'm cheating myself.  I think that, with you, I have someone really special and-" he paused, the words stuck in his throat.  "I want you to- to-  SWEET CRAP!"

"Oh, of course I'll ma- what?" Maria, not prepared for anything other than what she was expecting.  "What is it, Xerxes?"

He said nothing, but moved toward the greenhouse.  Through the window, Maria saw a large plant in the middle of the building.  She hurried and followed Xerxes in through the door.

"I have never seen anything like this before," said Our Diligent Farmer, staring with eyes wide and mouth agape.  The plant was ten feet high (a few feet short of the ceiling), bright green with massive yellow flower buds all over it, and very tropical looking.  "This- this has grown from those seeds we found next to Ann's barn.  The seeds I planted last night!"

When we last left Xerxes and Maria, they were astonished to find that the seeds left by the arsonist grew into a massive plant over night.  Where in the world did those seeds come from?  Could they finally reveal the identity of this nefarious villain?  Is he WHO SHOT RICK???  Find out in ... On This Harvest Moon:  Part the (Lucky) Thirteenth!

Xerxes stared at the towering plant for a few moments, and could not for the life of him remember seeing anything like it.  "I don't know where this plant came from, but Basil will!" said Our Hero.

"Good Idea, Xerxes.  Let's go find him!" and the two were off.

~

"It's about time, I have been waiting for a decent meal for five days now!" sighed Basil as he took a seat in the flower shop.  There was a knock at the door.  "Crimeny!"  He opened the door, leaving the steaming bowl of thick oatmeal on the table.

"Hey basil, take a look at this plant!  It grew overnight from those seeds that the arsonist dropped.  Here, I brought you a leaf clipping,"  Xerxes pulled the large, purple leaf from his pocket and handed it to Basil.

"Can I take a look at it later, after I eat?"

"No!  We must know now," said an excited Maria.

"Oh, okay ... wait a second!  These are Casbian Tundra Vine leaves!" he said, full of disbelief.  "I ordered these through the mail months ago!  You said it grew in a day, right?"

"Yeah, just overnight," said Xerxes, "why?"

"Because that is how the increased temperature should effect a Casbian Tundra Vine," said the botanist, "it has to be that."

"Hmm ... in the mail, maybe it was-"  The door burst open revealing a panting Kai and Elli.

"Guys, listen up!" said Kai, his bandana was drenched in sweat.

"Listen up, I have something to tell all of you," Elli exclaimed, her mind obviously ten miles ahead of her words.  "I know who caused all of this trouble, I just couldn't tell you because ... um ... I don't remember."

"You were knocked into a coma from a bomb blast," reminded Kai, whose patience was being tested.

"Oh, right!  Thank you, kind sir.  I guess my memory doesn't serve me all that well."

"Yeah, she has partial amnesia, but bare with her," Kai reminded.

"Yes, I think so.  Whoever this guy is, he certainly knows his stuff," Elli turned to Kai, "You're the town doctor, right?"

"No!  I'm your boyfriend, Kai! I thought you'd at least remember me!"

"No.  No, I think you're the doctor.  That handsome fellow over there with the orange hat and matching handkerchief is my boyfriend.  I remember, because I gave him a big kiss before I passed out for 12 hours."

Our Hero blushed, and then shuffled his feet, trying desperately to avoid the sizzling gaze from Maria.  Kai was none to happy, either.

"You better cut to the chase so we can get you back to bed, dearest," instructed the librarian.

"Yes, please do," added Kai, who was now coldly staring at Xerxes, making it clear that it took all his restraint to keep from giving him a good blow to the head.

"Oh, right," she vigorously shook her head, and tried to regain a little of her hazy life.  "Well, it all started when- um, I don't really remember his name- but he was a tall man.  He came to me a week ago, I think."

"What did he want?" asked Basil, who knew what he, himself wanted -- something to eat.

"Well, he asked me to bake a special cake for him, and he asked if I could bake an object into the cake.  I said that I could, of course, being the best cook in Flower Bud Village, and he then handed me a small alarm clock that was stuck to something that looked like gray putty.  He paid me five-hundred gold pieces and demanded that I ask no questions, and tell no one about this."

"Hmm ... this is starting to put everything together," thought Xerxes, aloud.  "If only you could remember who this man was!"

"Shh ... apparently all Elli can remember is this story and how you ravaged her in a state of unconsciousness yesterday," Kai piped in.  "Just keep your mouth shut and hopefully more will come to her."

"Hey, I'm not the one who stalked Maria all the way up Moon Mountain and pounced her in the bushes!"

"I guess not.  From what I hear, your philandering has pretty much eliminated Maria's willingness to be pounced," he slyly responded.

"ENOUGH!" yelled Maria, "Xerxes, we already established that Kai did not stalk me, and Kai, that is none of your business!"

"Yes ma'am," said the fueders in unison.

"Good.  Now Elli, why don't you continue with your story?"

"Um, okay ("I hope I can go home soon, this town is a lot scarier than I remembered it," she thought).  Anyway, I baked him the cake, and gave it to him.  That was the last I ever heard from the guy.  All was pretty much quiet until yesterday, when I saw him on the hill above the greenhouse with a plunger.  That's when I realized that I baked a bomb inside that cake, and he gave it to Xerxes!  He must have switched it with some other cake he was planning on giving to Maria."

"So THAT'S why the cake wasn't frozen!  HA!" exclaimed Xerxes in triumph.  That question had been bothering him for days.

"Um, yeah," Elli continued her narrative, "so I decided that I had to go in and save Xerxes and Maria.  That's why I ran into the greenhouse and nabbed your rucksack yesterday."

"Wow, that was amazing.  You saved both of us!" Maria said, and then she hugged the baker thankfully.

"HA!  And all this time I thought my freezer was broken," said Xerxes.

Silence.

"Nevermind."

"Well, now all we have to do is find this mystery man, and we've got him pinned," said Basil.

"We don't have a courtroom here, nor a judge or even a police force.  I don't think he'd be 'pinned,'" interrupted Kai.

Basil thought for a moment, and then reached for the spoon in his precious bowl of oatmeal.  "I guess we'll just have to lynch the bast-"

"I know who it is!" yelled Elli, her flailing arms knocking over the oatmeal and spilling it all over the floor.

"No! My breakfast!" yelled Basil.

"Shut up!" said Xerxes.  "Who is it?"

"It's- it's the postman, Harris!"

Son of a submariner!  If that don't beat all!  Who would have guessed it would be Harris the postman (other than Kai, you rascally little dickens)?  Hmm ... there is one unsolved mystery in conclusion, but where is this fiend and how will Xerxes and the gang do him justice?  Find out in ... ON THIS HARVEST MOON:  PART THE FOURTEENTH!!!

Harris was up to it all along!  Who could have guessed it?  But no more talking, the chase is on in ... On This Harvest Moon:  Part the Fourteenth!

"Sweet smokin' crap on a stick!" exclaimed Xerxes.  "That explains why all those clues came from the mail!  I knew that when he took Maria up in that balloon during last year's Harvest Festival that something was up.  It was the sign of evil."  The farmer cracked his knuckles.  There was a general mumble of agreement from the group.

"Actually, I think the true sign of evil is Harris's madness lies in his long history of drug abuse and death threats to people who don't put the proper zip code in their return address," said Maria.

"Yeah, I agree," added Kai.  "Once, he carved up a jack-o-lantern and left it on my front porch with a knife stuck in it and a note that said 'you.'  I don't think having a crush on Maria is anything unnatural."  He winked at her and she blushed.

"There's going to be something unnatural about where I'm going to shove that bandana of yours if you ever hit on my girl again," Xerxes threatened.

"Um," muttered Kai, "maybe we should go after Harris now?"

"Yes!  I want a chance to get even with that guy who dared to bloody the good name of baked goods with his murderous will!" announced Elli.  Then, there was silence.

"Um, right," Xerxes said after a few seconds.  "Let's just go."  The room emptied to go chase the postman, leaving Basil all by his lonesome.

"You guys just go ahead," he said, "I'll sit here and eat some breakfast.  Yum ... now where is that oatmeal mix-"

Then, Jeff burst through the door in full commando attire. "No time for that, Basil!"

"Huh?"

"How can you be eating at a time like this?"

"But- but-"

"No time to waste, Basil!  Gear-up now, the communist hordes are upon us!"

~

"Look," whispered Kai, "there he is, loading the mayor's place up with mail."  Sure enough, Harris the Maniacal Postman was making his usual rounds that morning.  His pants had a tear ripped out of the seat, and were patched in a rather unprofessional way.

"Alright, on the count of three, we give him the bum rush," commanded Xerxes.  "One, two, THREE!"  The group tore out from the bushes in which they were hiding, and chased after the mailman.

"Hey, guys.  What's going on?  What brings all of you up so nice and early on a Saturday morning?"

"Well, Harris.  We are going to arrest you for one count of arson and two counts of attempted murder.  What do you have to say about that?" inquired Our Hero.

"I didn't know there was a police force here?  Let's both do our best!"

"There are five of us, Harris."

"Oh, um, the thing about that is ... look over there!"  The group turned to the direction of his pointing, giving the postman just enough time to dart off into hiding.

"Crap, why did we fall for that?" asked Kai.

"I don't know, but now we have to hunt him down out in the wilderness," said Elli. "I don't like the wilderness."

"Come on, Elli, this is important!" encouraged Maria.  "Think of it as the only way you can give pastry back its good name!"  Elli seemed motivated for a few seconds, gritting her teeth and growling softly.  Then she realized that everyone else was staring at her and stopped.

"Well, the best way to do this is to return to the scene of the crime!" Xerxes explained, "A criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.  That's where we'll find him."

"Um, dear," asked Maria, "don't you think that is just TV logic installed in your head from too many police shows?"

"Yes, and that's why it will work!  Follow me to the Green Ranch!"

~

The group huddled around the ashes of the Green Ranch barn.  "Xerxes, we have been here for two hours.  I don't think Harris is going to return," said Maria.

"Shh, I hear something!" the Diligent Farmer whispered.  There was silence, and then a rabbit hopped into the scene.

"Okay, Dick Tracy, we're going back to the town and starting over," said Kai.  The group left, leaving Xerxes behind.

"You just wait!  I'll bet this bunny is another cleverly disguised bomb!"  He tackled it and twisted it's ears, trying to defuse the apparatus inside.  The rabbit kicked him in the face and hopped away.  "Hey guys!  Wait up!"

~

The four justice seekers met outside at the foot of Moon Mountain.  "Well, thanks to Xerxes and his infinite wisdom, Harris could be twenty miles away by now," Kai criticized.

"Okay, okay.  Maybe I should have followed the trail of mail he left instead," Xerxes pointed to the spilt letters that formed a nice, white line all the way up the mountain, marking the nefarious postman's path.

"D'oh!" sputtered Kai, slapping his head.  The group followed the winding trail up the mountain.  Once they reached the top, not a soul was to be seen anywhere.

"Gee, maybe this wasn't a good idea, ether," questioned Elli.

"You know, for once, maybe Xerxes had a good idea not to follow the trail," said Maria, looking around the barren mountain top.

"You see?  I'm not that dumb, after all!" added Xerxes in a note of self-proclaimed vindication.  There was the sound of ropes and pulleys in action, and a net was upon them.

"What gives!" yelled Kai as they were hoisted up into the trees.  The girls screamed.

Well, it has been a long while, but On This Harvest Moon is back and underway!  The self-proclaimed SUPER PLOT is now at it's peak.  What will happen to Xerxes, Kai, Maria, and Elli now that they are in the nefarious Harris's evil clutches?  FIND OUT IN ... uh ... On This Harvest Moon:  Part the Fifteenth!!!

Oh, and did Harris shoot Rick or what?

"Well, well," said Harris, emerging from the brush, "what have we here?"

Xerxes was about to yell at him, but thought better of it.  "Must- focus- on- way- out!" he thought, in a dramatically staggered style.

"Look at this!  I don't believe my eyes," said the evil postman.  "Little Elli, what are you doing here?"

"I've come to put you away, you- you- bad man!"

"Hmm ... interesting, interesting.  It seems like I'm the one who put you away!  Heh heh heh!"

"Wow, that was clever," muttered Kai, "I guess  missed that quip in Evil Catch-Phrases 101."

"Ah, Kai!  Charming, to the last," said Harris, radiating evilness.  "You don't know how hard I found it getting permission to terminate your life."

"Huh?  You just quoted Star Wars," said a befuddled Kai.

"Your powers are weak, old man.   Once I was the student, but now I am the master!"  Harris said, shaking his fist defiantly in Kai's face.

"Only a master of evil, Harris," added Xerxes, absently.  He was still deep in thought about the best way to escape.

"There, you did it again!  You are both quoting Star Wars!" exclaimed Kai.  "I must be getting delirious!"

"I have a bad feeling about this," sighed Elli.

Harris turned to Xerxes.  "Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father."

"He told me enough.  He told me you killed him!"

"No, I am your father!"

"No, that isn't true!  That's impossible!"

"Join me!  Our combined powers can overthrow the emperor, and we can rule the galaxy as father and-"

"STOP IT!" yelled Maria at the top of her lungs.  "Are you forgetting that we're all trapped in a net and hanging over a cliff?"

"Thank you!  It's about time someone came to their senses!" said Kai.

"NOOOOO!!!!" yelled Xerxes, as he tried to throw himself out of the net and into the abyss below.

"XERXES!" Maria scolded.  "I said knock it off!  And Elli, would you stop trying to eat through the ropes?"

"Sorry," said Elli, and she stopped chewing.

"Yes, your efforts are useless," said Harris.  "Now, it is about time I got what I have been waiting for.  I have captured my enemies, and my true love.  And soon, in a glorious explosion, Flower Bud Village will be destroyed thanks to all that C-4 I planted in everyone's mailboxes this morning!"  He moved closer to Maria's dangling head.  "It is about time for that kiss!  I have waited oh so long!"

Maria screamed, and Harris moved his lips closer, and closer.  Suddenly, the sound of pattering dogs feat approached the mountain top.

"WOOF WOOF!" barked Figaro, who came at full speed along with Karen.

"Hi-ya!" yelled Karen, as she drop-kicked the wicked postman away from the net, sending him sailing a into the brush.  "Sic 'em, Figaro!"  The dog was upon him.  She began to untie the netting.

"How did you ever find us?" asked Kai.

"Yeah, I thought we ditched you pretty smoothly," added Xerxes.

"Well, I asked my dad about that broken bottle.  He told me that he had ordered one via mail months ago.  I figured it had to be Harris, so I gave that shred of pants to Figaro so he could smell it, and track Harris down bloodhound style."

"Very clever, Karen!" commended Maria.  "We would have found him a lot sooner if Xerxes here wasn't so busy harassing bunny rabbits."

"Shut yo' mouth, woman!" said the offended farmer.

Karen finished untying the net, and the group came to the ground with a thud.  "There you go."

"Ropes- taste like- burning!" exclaimed Elli.

"Huh?" said Karen.

"Nevermind her," explained Kai, "she's still recovering from that head wound."

"Ah, I see."

"Quick, we must go and defuse those bombs!  C'mon Elli."

"Um, okay.  What's a C-4?"

"Hurry!" and they left.

Maria turned to Karen, "Yeah, we better run down to the village and get help!"

"And leave Xerxes to the pummeling?"

"Yeah, that's fine with me.  You little ladies run off and get help whilst I do the mans work," he cracked his knuckles.  Karen frowned, but was dragged off by Maria before she could slap him.  "Yes, I will make short work of this clown," thought Xerxes.  "Enough, Figaro!  Let me take a whack at him!"  The dog obeyed and Harris was at his feet again.

"Oh?  You think you are man enough to fight me?" said Harris, as he slid the baseball bat out from his belt.

"Heh, maybe I should say 'dog enough' considering the pounding Figaro- OUCH!" Our Hero was knocked to his knees with a mighty swing of the bat.  "Just wait until I get out my ax-" Another smack from the bat, and our hero tumbled off the cliff and into the nothingness below.

At long last, the final part of On This Harvest Moon is here!  That's the funny thing about serials -- they suck you in and you want to read more and more, even though it was horrid stuff to begin with!  For those few of you who like it, there will be a cute little epilogue after this chapter, so you can save your candles and other mourning gear for then.

So, what has become of Xerxes?  Last I heard, he plummeted to his doom from a cliff by the hand of that insidious postman, Harris.  I guess if anyone really cares about what happens to him, this will be a really important chapter.  That, and it's the last real chapter to the story.  Huh.  Well ... here you are ... On This Harvest Moon:  Part the Sixteenth!

Harris put the bat down, took a deep breath.  Then, to himself, "Wow, I actually did it!  I can't believe I actually killed Xerxes!  Most of the time, we bad guys never win.  I mean, what kind of story would have a bad guy win in it?"  He paced a bit and thought about this dilemma.  Then, a conclusion, "HA!  I guess I'm just an evil genius then!  I did everything right.  Instead of revealing my master plan in one big silioquey and leaving the hero alone for an easily escapable slow death by laser or buzz saw, I just hit him with my bat!"

Proudly, he continued to talk to himself.  "Heh, boy, would I be in trouble if I made that mistake!  I mean, after I blabbed to him my history of crimes and lures, he would have had me all figured out.  Like how I burned down Ann's barn with no motive to keep Xerxes occupied and give me a chance to dream up another scheme to destroy him.  Or how I shot Rick in the darkness of Moon Mountain Cave because he was the only one smart enough to decipher the clues I accidentally dropped.  Ha!  That was a master stroke!  And then, how I ... well, I didn't really do anything very genius, but I sure caused the crap to hit the fan!"

The excrement had only begun to hit the spinning apparatus.  As Harris turned around to view the mountain top's scenic splendor, he was taken aback with shock.  In front of him, levitating in the open air above the cliff, was Xerxes the farmer with his arms crossed, and a sly grin on his face.

"A- a- a ghost!  How could this be?" the postman sputtered.  "I killed you a few minutes ago!"  Xerxes rose into the air, and then it was clear that he was standing on something.  A hot air balloon had broken his fall.  A hot air balloon piloted by none other than Rick the inventor along with Kai, Elli, Karen, and Maria.  "How- how can this be?"

The balloon set itself on the ground in front of Harris.  Immediately, Karen leapt from the basket and began pummeling the now cowering and babbling mailman.  "Ouch- hey- stop!"  They rolled off into the bushes and could no longer be seen -- only locatable by the screams of Harris and the sounds of breaking bones.

Xerxes climbed down from the top of the balloon.  "Wow, you saved my life!  How did you guys get together so fast?"

Rick, now wheelchair bound, answered.  "I was just readying my balloon when I saw the the four of them running down the side of the mountain.  They just hopped in and we were off!"

"But, how did you know where we were?  And what about the mail bombs?"

"OUCH!  Don't bite, you stupid- YAAA!" screamed Harris from the brush.

Kai answered Xerxes, eager for an excuse to peel his eyes off the carnage nearby.  "Well, Rick had already gone around and collected the bombs from the mailboxes."

"Yeah," said the inventor, "I saw Harris run away from you guys because it was right outside my house.  I could also hear you 'whispering' when you were hiding since it was right next to my bedroom wall.  I was trying to sleep."

"Sorry, Rick!" said Elli.

"It's okay, Elli.  It also helped that I could follow the trail of spilt mail up the side of the mountain."

"D'oh!  I'll never live that down, will I?" muttered Xerxes, whose stupidity was once again exposed.

"No," the group said in unison.

"Didn't think so," he said quietly, shuffling his feet in the dirt.

"Mercy!  MEEEERRRRCY!  ENOUGH!" cried Harris, now rolling out from the bushes with Karen still in the process of beating him like a floor mat.  "I give up, I GIVE UP!  Ow!  You pulled my arm out of its socket, you- OW!"

"Karen, enough!  Let me deal with this," demanded Xerxes.

Karen reluctantly backed off, slowly loosening her grasp on the bat she just picked up.  "Aw, you're no fun," she pouted.  Harris was on the ground at her feet, quivering, bleeding, and rolling around in agony.  He vocalized this with groaning persistency.

"See, Harris?  Evil begets evil," Xerxes didactically stated.

"Huh?" responded the wincing cripple. "What does that mean?"

"Um, not sure." Xerxes paused. "How about this -- don't mess with Xerxes!"

"Bravo!  Well said, well said!" applauded a sarcastic Kai.

"Hey, shut up!  I'd like to see you think of something better!"

"I could, and rather easily, too," Kai responded.

"Oh really, fool?"

"Guys, stop it!" yelled Maria.  "You are both acting like simians!"

"Simians?" the two quarreling parties responded.

"Apes, morons, APES-" but she was cut off by a shrieking Elli.

"Look!  He's got Figaro!"  And there Harris was, with a knife at the pooches throat.

"One move, and I cut him a new, er, throat hole."

"I think it's called a larynx," corrected Rick.

"Shuddup, smarty-man!  I will kill this dog."  The group believed him, and stood silent and still.  Xerxes's mind was a hurricane of emotions.  His best friend!  His faithful companion!  The one who had been with him from the start!  In Jeopardy!  Who would round up the chickens?  Who would wake him up?  Who would urinate on the rug?  Xerxes was frozen with thought.

"I guess none of you has the guts to attack me, eh?" taunted Harris.  "Good, good.  I guess I'll just back off with rover here until I can make a clean escape.  Now turn around."  The group reluctantly did so, and Harris started his slow, cautious getaway.  "That's it.  Hasta la bye-bye, suckers!"  Figaro whimpered, and tried to use his powers of soiling himself, but to no avail.  The adrenaline in Harris was pumping so furiously, that he couldn't notice any sensation of less force than a snow shovel to the head.

A cloaked figure and a Rambo-esque character in fatigues blind sided Harris at that instant -- giving not so much as a rustling of foliage for a warning.  "G'ah!  What- who-"  He was taken to his knees, and held there by the two men -- Batman and Jeff.  Then, a war whoop was heard, and a camouflaged Basil swept down from the trees on a vine, and with a well placed kick to the Solar Plexus, biffed Harris to the ground.  The bushes on either side of the action started to move, and then stand.  It was then clear that the bushes were in fact Popuri and Ann with ferns tied to them for cover.  The two girls executed commando rolls past the postman, Popuri snatching the knife, and Ann saving the dog.  "But- but, how!  Who?" Basil, returning from the pivotal point of his vine swing, kneed the back of Harris's head.  The wicked letter carrier rolled off the cliff, and to his evident doom.

"Good job, team.  A perfect ambush," said Jeff, beaming with pride.  "I taught you well, eh?" he said, wiping the mud off of his face.

"Yeah, now can we eat?" asked Basil.  "My stomach's grumbling almost gave us away."

"You didn't have to come with us, you know.  You could have eaten instead, dad," reminded Popuri.

Basil's stomach made more noise.  "I thought we would eat while we were hiding out in the hideout Batman here provided for us."

"The Dark Knight has no need for snack foods," corrected the Caped Crusader.  Basil gave up.

"Yeah, well, the Dark Knight is going to have a need for a body cast if he doesn't stop referring to himself in third person," snapped Ann.

"It doesn't matter.  We've put this clown away, now we can all go home," said Kai.

"Clowns?  I'm afraid of clowns," said Elli, who then paused as everyone fell silent, then added, "and cannibals.  I'm afraid of clowns and cannibals."

"Still hasn't fully recovered from that head wound, eh?" asked Popuri.  Kai, Xerxes, and Maria shook their heads.

"Hello? Can anyone hear me?  It's me, Harris!" said a voice from underneath them.  The group looked over the ledge to see him dangling by his belt on a twig on the side of the cliff.

"Oh my gosh, he's still alive!" shrieked Maria.

"Yeah, I'm alive.  Could you give me a hand here ... friends?"

"No, you moved in on my girlfriend during the Harvest Festival.  No way am I going to help you!" snapped Xerxes.

"Um, Xerxes, he also burned down Ann's barn, shot Rick, and tried to explode you, remember?" whispered Maria.

"Oh, yeah!  And you also did a lot of other bad stuff like shooting Ann's barn, trying to burn me down, and exploding Rick!"

"Um.  Just give me a hand here.  I'm sorry for moving in on your girl and stuff.  But can you blame me?  She's cute!"

Xerxes nodded in agreement to the dismay of the disgusted group of girls.  Maria blushed.

"I'm not sure, I mean, you also tried to kill my dog and stuff.  But okay.  Everyone deserves a second chance.  Maria taught me that."  Maria smiled as the angel of mercy that was Our Diligent Farmer knelt down to lend a hand to the dangling ex-villain.

"Thanks, Xerxes!"  They clasped hands, and Harris began to pull himself up.  "Wow, what a beautiful day to be alive it is!  Nice weather we're having, huh?"

Xerxes stopped helping him and looked the mailman in the eye.  "What ... did ... you ... say?"

"I said, nice weather we are having."

"That's what I thought."  Xerxes relinquished his hold on Harris's hand, and he fell down again and remained dangling from the limb.  "Enough mercy, Harris."

"What- what are you doing?"  He watched as Our Hero unleashed his mighty scythe and brought it up behind his head in preparation for a swing.  "Noooo!"  The blade came whistling down, cleaving the branch in two.  Harris fell and screamed for his life.  His body hit a few rocks on the way down, and then he finally tumbled clear of the cliff altogether and disappeared into the darkness of the chasm below.

The group was stunned.  "Did Xerxes just murder the local mailman?" they all thought.  The farmer turned around and looked at them coldly.

Finally, he spoke.  "When he said that, I knew he wasn't really going to change.  He was, and always would be, the same old Harris the Villainous Postman."  The crowd nodded in affirmation.  Maria grabbed hold of her man's arm.  "Besides, I hate it when he says that."

"Come on," Kai said, "let's all go home."  The group left.

The bad guy's dead, the flowers in bloom, and all is right on this harvest moon.  For Xerxes, Maria, Kai, Elli, and everyone else, it is time to settle down and return to normal, neurotic life.

That night, the group congregated in the pub -- laughing, singing, swearing, and generally having a good time of it.  It was nearing two in the morning, and the party was at it's peak.  Xerxes, Our Hero, stood up on a table, to make a half-drunken toast.  It was his fifth or sixth toast of the night.

"Attention, attention everyone!  I would like to make a toast-"

Kai intervened.  "Please, allow me to help!  I must make this toast to myself, and to my lovely Elli, who I have a very important question to ask."

"What is it?" inquired Elli, knowing full well what to expect.

"I think we should get married, Elli.  And soon."

"Oh ... well- well-" she broke down, "I can't marry you!"  The room was silent.

"But- but- why?  You said you loved me?"

"Oh, dear.  I must confess to you, Xerxes.  I love another man!"

Xerxes sputtered, shocked.  "That's ... good?"  Kai was silent, disbelieving.

Elli didn't respond, and was facing Kai.  "I- I got confused.  He looks so much like you, Xerxes.  His name is Kai.  He wears a purple bandana just like you!  I'm- I'm so sorry!"  She wept.

Kai comforted her, "It's okay, dear.  I'm Kai.  Xerxes is that fellow over there with the orange hat."

"Him?  Oh, he looked too dumb to be this great hero that I'm always hearing about.  I thought he was just Maria's male servant or concubine or something."  Maria giggled.  Xerxes frowned.

Karen, Popuri, and Ann were not paying attention.  They were still in shock after the realization that there was only one eligible bachelor left in town.  Gray, of course, was still there, but he was a creepy stalker with an identity crisis.  Rick could be considered eligible, but it was generally accepted that he is too wrapped up in his inventions to have time for a woman.  He was cute, but a nerdy cute.  Who wants that?

~

Rick, who was sitting at a table with Basil and Jeff, knew he was a nerd, and didn't care.  He turned to Basil, who was finally eating (and eating quite a lot) and asked, "Basil?  Am I too big of a nerd?"

"No," replied Basil between bites.  "You are an inventor.  You are valuable to this town, and that is nothing to be ashamed of."

"I don't know, guys.  I mean, I have been wondering whether I should maybe quit the machine thing and settle down."

Jeff looked up from his wine.  "Rick?  Are you in love?  Don't tell me you're in love.  Please."

"No, no.  Just lonely for a companion.  I need a woman, guys."

"You most certainly do not," snapped Jeff.  "What you need is some good wine, and a vacation.  Both of those things will do more for you than a woman could ever do.  They are all psychotic."

"Jeff's right, Rick.  Women are nothing but trouble.  Not the woman so much as the marriage.  Married life is fine until you wind up a father.  You really don't want that.  Look at the dud I got stuck with."  The three watched Popuri meticulously water all the plants in the room with her white watering can.  "Geeze, I love plants too, but not a day goes by when I don't hear all about them from her.  Plants this, plants that.  Screwed up kid."

Rick sat silent for a few moments.  "I guess I will take a vacation, but I want it to be a good one.  I want to go to the moons, guys.  I really do."  There was a good laugh followed by various comments on Rick's questionable sobriety.

~

Karen and Ann forced back the curses as Elli walked by.  The curses were unleashed again as she left their corner of the bar.  "Ditzy tart!  Why can't she appreciate what she has?" demanded Ann.

"Has?  What does she have?  Kai?" sneered Karen.  "You think that having Kai is having something?  He has the personality of mildew!  Trust me, I've ... er .. worked with him."

"Yeah, but he's cute."

"Can't argue with that," sighed Karen.  "What I really want is a man that is exciting, and has adventures.  A dashing, happy-go-lucky scoundrel."

"You want Xerxes."

"Yeah," she sighed again, "I guess that's it.  It doesn't make sense.  I mean, he's a philanderous braggart totally without tact, culture, or intelligence.  He has nothing to offer to anyone. Yet ... still ..."

"Take your mind off of him," Ann suggested.  "Neither of us can have Xerxes or Kai, but that doesn't mean there aren't any bachelors left.  There's still Gray and ... Gray?"

~

Gray was sitting on a barstool, half the table length away from Popuri.  There was an awkward silence, perturbed only by the occasional sound of the white watering can in use.  "So, Gray," Popuri said, trying to break the ice, "when do you start rebuilding the barn?"

Gray was exceedingly uncomfortable.  He put his finger in his wine and played with it for a second or two.  "Well, I guess I will start tomorrow.  My animals need their home back."

"Yeah," sighed Popuri.

"Yeah."  Making good was difficult, Gray thought.

"You know, Gray, I was just thinking," Popuri tried not to choke on her words, "there is that Harvest Festival coming up.  Do you have a dance partner?"

"Nah, I was just going to stand in the corner and be rude to people when they ask me stuff."

"Like every year?"

He exhaled.  "Like every year, I guess."

Popuri really didn't want to be the one to ask.  She wanted to let Gray know that she liked him and forgave him for the voyeurism, but she had to get him to ask!  If he didn't ask, then she couldn't accept.  If she couldn't accept, then he wouldn't see it as a gesture of forgiveness.

A shot in the dark.  "I don't have a dance partner, either."

By this time, Gray estimated that the lump in his throat was big enough to apply for its own senator.  He circumnavigated the barricade and made a leap for it.  "Well- maybe- I- er ... screw it.  Let's go together.  I'll pick you up an hour beforehand."

Trying to act ambivalent:  "I guess that would be okay.  Why not?  Alright, an hour before it is."

~

After the party, Xerxes walked Maria home.  They walked hand in hand, gazing toward the stars and moons in silence.  It had been a crazy two days.  Death threats, murder attempts, deceit, treachery, passion, and general weirdness too place just hours ago, but now it was all over.  Things were quickly getting back to normal.

"Look, Marianda and Corolonius are out again tonight."  Maria pointed to the two orbs, which glowed in the night sky like beach balls with flashlights in them.

"Yeah, they seem to follow us everywhere.  The only thing that really stayed normal over the last few days." added Xerxes.  They walked some more.  There was so little to say after an experience like they just had.

"Sometimes life is so normal here, it's weird in and of itself.  Nothing really changes.  It feels strange to have just went through that whole ordeal.  It was almost like living in a different place, you know?"

"It was a crazy break from routine, but I am looking forward to getting back to the farm and resuming my life.  It's time to make more money so we can have a family some day," he playfully nudged his partner in the side.

"Yeah, if you ever get around to marrying me, you jerk!"  She looked very serious for a moment, then smiled.

"Oh, Maria.  You know how I feel about that.  I just- just don't feel like I'd make a good family man yet."

"You're right, dear," sarcastically, "and you never will make a good one.  You have obviously figured out my stupidity and lack of foresight.  I love you because I know you are going nowhere.  I want to marry you because I think you'd be a terrible father.  I am a masochist, and you are a total waste of my time."

"Soon to be a rich waste of time, might I add.  Maybe you'd feel differently if I bought you something?  How about a new house?  How about a new library?  Eh?"

"How about a drink and some cake and my belated birthday present?"

"Oh, okay.  Fair enough, I guess."  Now, they were at the doorstep of her house.  They hugged each other for a long time, and then their eyes drifted from one another to the deep recesses of space again.

"You know what Maria?  We are still very young, and this town is never going to change."

"I know.  Don't you love it all?"  They kissed, and parted for the night under the blue and yellow glow of the springtime moons.